Relationships, Accountability and Confrontation

The fear of disagreeing in relationships is universal. Sadly though, there can be no improvement without confrontation. Even in the usually regimented corporate relationships, we all have to learn to be willing to express our opinions.
I was discussing with my friend of over 10yrs recently on this matter and we could not agree on the issue of confrontation.

These Nagging Questions Remained Unanswered:

1) Should you just walk away and assume character flaws are deliberate and can't be helped?

2) are there degrees/levels of shortcomings that can't be helped?

3) is your level of commitment directly proportional to the level of patience and tolerance you would have and your willingness to help others improve?

4)when should you confront?

5) if you should/must confront, how do you do it constructively?
- would you wait until you think you have all the facts? (Sensers would probably do but intuitives  would most likely prefer to get it out of the way)
-if yes, just how long do you wait till it becomes too late to act/ask?

The fact is that it is not only possible to disagree with others without endangering your relationship, but the willingness to do so could put you on the fast track to success. What we tend to forget is that most relationships thrive on constructive feedback and the contribution of original ideas.

The key lies in why and how that disagreement is communicated. This tips can help you navigate those waters successfully

- Make sure you are disagreeing for the right reason: Too often, we disagree to compensate for our own lack of authority, without a good reason or an end goal in mind. Disagreements that have a valid context and add real value can be a big plus.
-Disagreeing is not about arguing but making an argument: framing disagreements as logical and thoughtful arguments in favor of a better approach to situations or  new ideas guarantees better reception.
Avoid attacking other people’s views or complaining and focus instead on making your own constructive points.
-Be passionate but not emotional. Arguments are more convincing when they are delivered with passion. The listener needs to feel that you genuinely care about your suggestions, believe in your perspective, and are willing to take ownership of it. But that doesn’t need to involve an excess of emotion, which can make you look hysterical and make others feel pressured. A clear, confident, and calm presentation will have the best impact.
-Speak in the same language: Some people are extreme sensers, they thrive on facts and data whereas others are more intuitive. Knowing your personality as opposed to others will help you relate better and communicate your argument more effectively. If you think in numbers, then a numerical argument might persuade you of a different viewpoint whereas a purely gut-based presentation will meet with instant skepticism, the same goes for others.

my submission would be that constructive confrontation is always right. Care should be taken that issues are not left to fester and blow up out of proportion. When in doubt, ask.

*reason, context and consideration - my most recent companions.

The mothering cycle

Dear Mother, 

         Please,  stop teaching your daughter that it's her job to fix her man! Who will fix her, when she is busy fixing another?
      
         Momma, stop telling her that she's the home builder! Tell her that she will work hand in hand with her husband to build her home.

Our society today is littered with over-burdened wives, mothers,  sisters and daughters.  They are wearied,  they are stressed and drained,  from having to fix themselves and as well fix an adult who ought to be fixing himself and fixing things around the house.

Look around you,  you've succeeded in raising strong daughters and weak sons.... Sons who grew to become nonchalant men,  men who rather feast while the women work.

Ma'am,  teach your son that it's his job to provide for his family,  totally,  exclusively,  that way,  he won't expect his woman to share family responsibilities with him.
When such expectations aren't there,  he will very much appreciate any input she makes.

Teach your son that he's the sole protector of his home,  that will make him not run off to chase pleasure with the idea that "my wife will handle it".

Mama, teach your son that loving his wife is a daily affair,  and he must make her feel loved,  in every sense of the word....

Dad,  make your son understand that he's not done anything for his children,  until he loves their mother fully.

Papa,  raise your son,  by loving his mother purely... When he sees you doing it right,  he will do it more right in his marriage.

Daddy, teach your son never to depend on a woman.  That way,  he will never look at a woman as his support,  he will put in all his best to be there for his family.

Mom and Dad,  raise your sons,  to be the picture of the husbands you desire for your daughters!

I AM NOT BROKEN

To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Erikkson

Let me fix you.

You really should try not to be so sensitive, Neemah. The world is sometimes a difficult and upsetting place, but you shouldn’t let it affect you so much.

Let me fix you.

You know, you really ought to spend more time with people, Neemah. It’s not good for you to be alone so much.

Let me fix you.

You know, you really shouldn’t make such quick, spur-of-the-moment decisions, Neemah. It’s not good to do that in life and you’ll end up regretting them.

Let me fix you.

You’re so young, Neemah. You should be out dancing and dating and having fun, not sitting home alone with another book.

Let me fix you.

You need to be more realistic, Neemah. I know you have big dreams for your career and life, but it’s not secure. We all have to do work we don’t enjoy, it’s just the way things are.

Let me fix you.

Thank you for trying to fix me. Now let me tell you this…

Let me tell you…

My greatest strength is empathy. I feel others’ feelings as if they were my own. Their pain is my pain. Their joy is my joy. I cannot help but cry sometimes and I cannot hold the tears in when I'm alone, as you would like me to, nor wait for a more convenient moment.

Please don’t try to fix me. My sensitivity is my gift.

Let me tell you…

I am an introvert and a thinker. Introspection is in my blood. Long periods of time alone are a joy to me. Where others might feel lonely, I feel replenished.

I ponder, I reflect, and I muse over the thousands of dreams and ideas that are always in my head. I’m filtering, planning, connecting the dots and making sense of the world around me

Please don’t try to fix me. My thinking is my gift.

Let me tell you…

I am a woman of action and I do not like to wait. Once my mind is made up there is no turning back. Where others might be stuck in indecision, I have moved ten steps ahead. My life is in motion and I am creating in the real world the dreams I have in my head.

Please don’t try to fix me. My ability to act is my gift.

Let me tell you…

The future is beautiful to me. I see all that is possible and all that I want to create. In vivid colour and in high definition it appears to me. Whilst others see all that is wrong and the reasons why not, I see all that is right and all that could be.

Please don’t try to fix me. My dreaming is my gift.

You Are Not Broken

For the longest time, I thought I was broken. I thought I had to change myself. I thought I had to behave differently. I thought that my way of being wasn’t the way of being. I wished I were someone else.

At school my reports went like this:

“Neemah is a wonderful student but she’s too quiet and needs to speak up more in class.”

In my nine-to-five office jobs it went like this:

“Try not to be so sensitive, Neemah. It’s not good to let people see you loose your cool at work.”

And when I handed in my notice, it went like this:

“You can’t go through life making rash decisions like this, Neemah,”

And even now, almost three years into my journey of creating my dream life, it goes like this:

“We believe in you, Neemah, we really do, but don’t you think it’s time to look for a more secure job?”

Everyone, everywhere, throughout my life has been ready with advice for me on how I should be.

Over the years, not knowing any better, I tried to bend myself to their suggestions.

I tried to be less sensitive. I tried to hold my tongue in. I tried to be less impulsive and less impatient. I tried to spend more time around people. I tried to tame my dreams.

But when I tried to do all these things, all I felt was pain and it didn’t make anything in my life work better the way people told me it would.

Finally, thankfully, today, I see the truth.

There isn’t and never was anything to fix.

The very things that others told me were my faults turned out to be my greatest strengths and my most beautiful gifts.

When I finally saw and embraced them as such, I was able to begin creating a life that encapsulated everything that I am instead of constantly struggling and trying to be something that I was not.

It’s true for you too. There is nothing to fix.

If you find yourself surrounded by people telling you should or need to be different, I hope these three short notes will help you let go of what they’re telling you and to embrace instead what is truly special about you.

1. You are not broken, faulty, or defective.

There is no right or wrong way to be. Each and every one of us makes sense of the world differently. The way you are may be different to those around you, but that does not make your way of being wrong.

Instead of trying to bend yourself to their suggestions, take note of what the people around you say you should be like. There is a very good chance that they are pointing the way to your most special gifts and the things that make you uniquely you.

2. Use your unique gifts to create a life you love.

When you recognize, understand, and accept your personal strengths, you have the opportunity to consciously and thoughtfully craft a life that is in alignment with those strengths, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a mould you won’t ever fit into.

I didn’t see it at the time, but the pain I experienced in my office jobs were clear signs that I wasn’t where I was meant to be. The roles I was in didn’t value my biggest strengths and work often felt like a battle against my very nature.

By seeing, understanding, and accepting my own personal strengths and gifts, I have been able to create a business and life that allows me to freely be all that I am. You can do the same.

3. Forgive those who try to fix you.

Remember that those who are telling you to be more like this or less like that—it’s not their fault. They, too, are filtering everything through their own set of unique gifts. Go easy on them; they’re just doing their best, like the rest of us.

Listen to what they have to say, take anything that feels useful but go ahead and drop the rest without a second thought.

Let me tell you this, my friend…

There is nothing to fix and nothing to change.

It is in those qualities that others might find difficult to accept that you will find your power.

It is in the acceptance of those qualities that you will have the opportunity to not only create a life that feels right for you, but to have the greatest positive impact on the people and world around you in this short and precious life.

You are a gift to the world. Just as you are.
You are not a broken piece
You are not on a broken road

Reserve your core; preserve your balance

I learned this from 1st hand experience. There was a time I would be me (be obvious, open, direct and without guile) with everybody. I believed their weaknesses or attitudes shouldn't make me redefine my standards. Simply put, nobody could make me pretend to be who I wasn't (I wouldn't complement you if I didn't mean it genuinely, I wouldn't hold idle conversations with you if I didn't think we were friends...) It was just d simple straight forward me...i had assumed it would make it easier to build real and lasting friendships( u know with everyone being as real with me as i was with them) until I found out its just not possible. I have discovered that we cannot hold people up on some standards just because said standards come to us naturally. You would be fooling yourself if u continue to expect people to treat u with d same regard that u treat them...so to help ur heart, I have learnt that u need to reserve the best part of you....your core...you need to create a 'Me-in-brief' version of you for the general public and reserve d real you until u find people that can handle it. Let them deal with d little of u they can see n perceive and leave 90% of yourself in reserve. Its not double standard, its wisdom...
Relationships are a lot like new investments. You start with little risks until you learn the ropes enough to increase ur risk assets,up d stakes in anticipation of d reward. U start small and grow into it only after ur need for security is assured. Start with a small 'dose' of urself, see how they handle it( u ll know people that will go far from how they handle relationships with people they perceive weak). That's why women of all ages have learnt that stooping is d way to conquer. Be a minor first and see how they respond(it takes time, they ll pretend for a while) before you 'cast ur pearls'.
Don't assume. Be deliberate!!! Not every smile is genuine. Not every gesture is real. Guard ur heart with all diligence ( this one is another sermon on its own...DILIGENCE!!!) Until u prove that they are guileless, remain reserved.
Don't go to any inconvenience for people until u are sure its not going to be taken for granted. Its not pride, its just you placing enough value on your person to know when to avoid being deflated. Value is rare, its expensive and uncommon.... You are rare and expensive so become uncommon...
The worth u place on ur person will determine the value others see in you.
Its called strategic value placement.
Don't become prudish or snobbish. Be nice n courteous... But reserve ur best.
Because people are people, imperfect as we come. Love others but preserve yourself.
You can be all nice to some and they will stab you in d back fair and square( more like unfair and round gaping gash in d back) so reserve your best so that cheap and unhealthy acquaintances don't drain you.
Define every friendship( discernment is key!!! Know those that are in your life for what reason and for which season)
Above all, do not be fooled by the environment that brought you together. I once heard an MOG say churches are for sick people ( character flaws, weaknesses...) That's why we come to church, we need Jesus!!! And you cannot be someone else' Jesus. Don't go crucifying yourself for peter because only Jesus could have forgiven a man that denied him thrice even at d verge of d ultimate sacrifice of his life.
You know people have weaknesses ( don't be fooled by d show they put up), love them but don't get spent up by people.
Be reserved!!! Be preserved!!!
That's d way to keep ur balance
There is specific wisdom required to deal with different people. Don't cast ur pearls before d swine
So make yourself this promise...
To love people and not judge them
But to love yourself enough to know who deserves access to your core!!!
Selah!!!

#neemahzramblings#
#thisOyindamadeandherMouthSef#
#defineYourValueinRelationships#
#reserveYourCore2preserveYourBalance#

Are you in the right fold?

God has so ordained that different people lead different causes. You can only follow a cause that is, in some significant magnitude, related to the cause you have been made to lead.

Imagine exchanging the sheer strength of an elephant with the tenacity of termites.... Both are different.... both are wired for their respective results

Moral:
There are experiences necessary for the growth of your unique value. And there are experiences that can and will stymie your growth. By virtue of what you carry, u don't belong in some circles. Be sensitive to God first and to your environment. Do not promote every cause because by so doing, some have sacrificed their own significance on the alter of ignorance.
Don't get lost in the euphoria of motion and be stagnated by the progress of others.

Its time for a reality check
Have you booked the wrong flight?
Have you served seven years for Racheal only to discover you have to wed Leah first?
Have you set sail with those going to tarshish when God has called you Jonah?

Where you are now might just be a waste of time and efforts

Moving From Obedience to Significance... Finding my place

Lord help my frailties.
™For those times I have been moved to measure my spiritual growth by the responses/reactions/'non-responses'/'non-reactions'...of those people I perceive are ahead of me.
™For those times i have unconsciously sought for  misplaced validation from pastors, mentors n leaders...
™For those times I have taken others at face value and judged them in their flesh (who am I? It is God who justifies...oh how innumerable are his mercies towards me...how limitless)
™For those times I have allowed myself to be limited by peoples words, actions, glances, inactions or countenances towards me

Help me remember lord that where I am is a privilege. Remind me that although I lead some, I am not the chief Judge of the earth. Help me not to limit others by my shortsightedness

Help our leaders remember that not all their flock will look and act exactly like them. Help them remember that each persons design is unique and give them the wisdom to deal fairly.
Help our leaders not to beat square pegs into round holes because they have no patience to dig square holes for square pegs

Above all father, lead me to the place where u have made provision for my growth, where my guts or my person will not irk my leaders, where there is room enough for my uniqueness, where my 'Aaron' is

And on this walk with you, protect my worth. May I not walk into the fold of 'mockers of destiny'. Nudge me as soon as its time to make an exit. Lead me to that moment where I make an 'entrance'.

May I not be too early or too late or in the wrong company

This is prayer inspiration for someone...
Regardless of where u are right now, you are VALUE going somewhere to happen. If where you are now is limiting you, if you perceive a resistance of any sort, be grateful first than God permitted them to act in a way that their folly is obvious to you. That is God telling u its time to move!!!

Sometimes God will deliberately separate us from some people or some place because he desires to preserve what we carry!!!

Don't ever doubt your worth because some didn't receive you...don't ever second guess what your maker has deposited in you because some deliberately ignored your person (this just goes to show they haven't enough room for you). This doesn't make their own ministry a lie, it just shows that theirs is different from yours.....and you will find your own place soon!!!

#otherMinistriesnMine# #isthismyplaceLord# #haveYouorderedmyRaven2findmehere#

What to remember when you fall short and you are being persecuted for it

My mind on d confidence it gives me 2 know that at this very moment my great high priest, one who knows my weaknesses n enters into my feelings, one who has passed thru all phases of human life, is now appearing in d presence of God for me, able to keep in temptation, comfort in sorrow, succour in weakness....
Its exactly what the writer of Hebrews meant when he said our high priest has taken his seat at d right hand of d father.
As he ascends, i can almost hear him say to me...

"Now I go up there for your sake, I know how u feel, what u have done and will do still, I see ur flaws, I know ur strength, I died so that your shortcomings won't limit you and I took d keys to hell and the victory of eternal life that I reserved for you, I bruised n defeated ur accuser(s).. You are now free...and I will remain seated there, watching to see who will dare bring a charge against u after my sacrifice. I remain seated by d father, I'm going nowhere, I won't even sleep. My only assignment is to keep watch over u. To guard ur spirit and soul. This is my sole ministry....a ministry that will continue as long as ur needs remain.... I AM HERE, DAUGHTER, STICKING UP FOR YOU..."

So when my soul n spirit is abased, I reach out knowing I abound in the gift of His grace....#giftofGrace# #myCovering# #spiritualMaturity# ....inspired by J. Oswald Chambers