Dr Bralade recently shared a personal story on Instagram about her relationship with espresso. It’s a rather amusing one, but there’s an interesting psychological concept buried in it.
Growing up, she associated espresso with a certain kind of person. The characters in the novels she read who drank it were always sophisticated, well-travelled, elegant and interesting. They seemed to know things the rest of the world didn’t.
Naturally, she assumed she would like espresso too.
Until she finally ordered one at a fancy club in Port Harcourt as a teenager. It arrived in a tiny cup. She took a sip. Horrible. Bitter!
But somebody’s uncle was paying, and having confidently ordered it, she couldn’t exactly admit that she didn’t like it. So she drank it.
Years later, she tried it again. Same result.
The interesting part? She didn’t actually like espresso. She liked the idea of being someone who drank espresso.
This brought to mind a concept called Mimetic Desire, developed by French philosopher René Girard and explored in Luke Burgis’s book, Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.
The basic idea is that our desires are often mediated by other people. We don’t always decide what we want independently. Sometimes, we want something because someone we admire, identify with or aspire to be like wants it. Their desire becomes a model for ours.
And this goes well beyond coffee.
Think about professional ambition, for instance.
How many people aspire to become CEOs because they genuinely want the work of leading an organisation, or because they are attracted to what the title represents: authority, influence, visibility, financial reward and the prestige of being at the top?
There is a world of difference between wanting to be the person everyone answers to and wanting to carry the responsibility for the decisions everyone else has to live with.
One is attracted to the position. The other understands the job.
The same applies to relationships and lifestyle choices. Sometimes, we’re drawn to the reality of an experience. Other times, we’re drawn to the picture of it that we’ve been exposed to.
Now, I’m not suggesting that every desire inspired by someone else is borrowed, or that there’s anything inherently wrong with being influenced by people we admire. Quite the opposite. Sometimes, another person’s choices introduce us to possibilities we might never have considered.
But there’s an important distinction between being introduced to a desire and examining it closely enough to make it your own.
I think that’s the part worth paying attention to.
A few questions are worth sitting with:
- Who or what first made this desirable to me?
- Do I understand what I’m signing up for, including the less attractive parts?
- If the status, recognition or external validation disappeared, would I still want it?
The last question is particularly revealing.
Because the origin of a desire doesn’t necessarily determine whether it’s genuinely yours. What matters is whether you’ve examined it, understood what it involves and consciously decided that it’s something you want.
We can admire people without wanting their lives. We can be inspired by their achievements without adopting their ambitions wholesale.
And perhaps we should be a little more discerning about the things we spend our lives pursuing.
After all, there’s a rather significant difference between wanting the idea of something and actually wanting the experience.
Sometimes, you just need to taste the espresso.
#MimeticDesire #SelfAwareness #PersonalDevelopment #Leadership #CareerGrowth #HumanBehaviour
