So I stumbled on this quote by Charles Spurgeon recently that totally stopped me in my tracks - “Gratitude to God must never be an excuse for ingratitude to men.”
Whew! That hit home in ways I wasn’t expecting. It shined a light on stuff I’ve wrestled with a few times on this wild journey we call LIFE.
Spurgeon was calling out that sneaky attitude that goes, “Since God is my source and I’m thankful to Him, I can basically ignore everyone else who helped me along the way.” We’ve all seen that vibe, right?
But life, as we quickly learn, is messy and complicated.
The Complexity of Support
Am I naive? NO love 😊 I’ve seen folks who turn their “help” into weapons, making it pretty much impossible to feel genuine gratitude. Packaging what looks like generosity with invisible strings attached, basically trapping you in a never-ending cycle of “you owe me” vibes and awkward home visits.
This whole mess got me thinking about something that’s completely changed how I look at relationships:
A gift says:
“Here’s my support — what you do with your life after is totally your call.”
An investment says:
“Here’s my support — but I’m definitely gonna want a say in what happens next.”
Why You Gotta Be Smart About This
It’s crazy important to figure out what kind of support you’re being offered before you take it. That “no strings attached” gift might actually be hiding a whole bunch of expectations. And when those surprise expectations pop up later? Total disaster.
Without getting things crystal clear from the jump, doing your own thing might suddenly look like betrayal to the other person. And just like that, something that started with good intentions turns into a hot mess of hurt feelings and passive-aggressive texts.
The Stuff Nobody Talks About
Here’s the tricky part – half the time, people (yeah, us too) don’t even realize what their real motivations are when offering help. Those expectations of getting something back or having influence? They’re lurking under the surface, not spoken out loud but definitely there.
Then boom! Months or years later, when you start doing your own thing, suddenly there’s all this disappointment and “after everything I did for you” drama because you didn’t follow the script they had in mind.
This Stuff Is Everywhere
This whole gift-vs-investment thing shows up literally everywhere:
• Your parents helping with your education but having very strong opinions about your career path
• That mentor who’s super helpful until you don’t take their career advice
• Friends who loan you money then suddenly feel entitled to comment on your spending
• Partners who support your dreams but get weird when those dreams change
Getting clear about this stuff, like Spurgeon was hinting at, is a game-changer for everyone involved. It lets you know what you’re actually signing up for, and it forces the person offering help to be honest about what they really want out of the deal.
Finding the Sweet Spot
I think the best approach is probably somewhere in the middle – yeah, we need each other, but we also need to respect each other’s right to choose their own path. Real gifts don’t come with strings, and honest investments just put their cards on the table from day one.
The real mess happens when these get mixed up (accidentally or on purpose), when someone acts like “I just want to help” but is secretly thinking “and now you’ll do what I think is best.”
My Personal Hack
These days, whenever someone offers me help or I’m thinking about helping someone else, I ask myself:
1. “What’s the unspoken fine print here?”
2. “Have I been totally upfront about what this support means – with myself and with them?”
These simple questions have saved me from SO MANY awkward situations and kept relationships intact that might’ve otherwise crashed and burned (admittedly, I learned these after a few relationships crashed and burned).
Have I heard people rant about careless receivers? Yep, too many times than I care to remember. Have I ever wished I didn’t offer someone help? Yessss (sadly 😩). I also hope there’s no one out there wishing they could take back the support they’ve given me. I tell myself - “You helped. You gave. If they misuse it, you are free to withdraw future help — but you don’t get to invalidate their growth .” I’ve been told it’s called the Healthy Detachment Principle
That Awkward “Thank You” Moment
OK so here’s something weird I’ve noticed about myself lately. I literally squirm when someone I helped comes back days later to say another “thank you.” In those moments, I’m sitting there thinking, “Why does this make me so uncomfortable?” I catch myself muttering under my breath – “yep, let’s keep it moving.”
And get this – these aren’t even life-changing sized supports! Just occasional small bridges to help someone through a rough patch until real help comes along. Nothing major.
So what’s my deal? Why don’t I like receiving thank yous?
Maybe it’s because I don’t want people feeling indebted. Maybe it’s because those thank yous remind me that the line between gifts and investments is super thin, and I don’t want either of us thinking about what might be “owed.” Or maybe it’s just plain old awkwardness around receiving gratitude.
I’m still figuring this one out, honestly. But I think it circles back to this whole question of what support really means – both to the person giving it and the person receiving it.
Life’s already complicated enough without all this confusion about who expects what from whom. In a world where real connections are getting harder to find, being straight-up about this stuff isn’t just smart – it’s absolutely necessary.
So what about you? What kind of support are you giving or getting right now? And have you been clear about what it really means?
