Breaking Free from Mental Shortcuts: Understanding People Beyond Labels

Stop living life by summarized scripts—embrace the depth of real human connection.

The tendency to label people based on a single trait or first impression is a shortcut our minds take, but it often leads to shallow and inaccurate understandings of who they truly are.

This mental laziness prevents us from truly connecting with and understanding the people around us. When we rely on stereotypes or preconceived notions, we miss out on the complexity and richness of individual personalities. This can lead to unmet expectations and disappointment when someone behaves in a way that doesn’t align with the label we’ve slapped on them.

This behavior is not just harmful to our relationships with others but also to our own growth and understanding of the world. By reducing people and situations to oversimplified labels, we limit our ability to learn, empathize, and grow.

To overcome this, we need to approach people, moments, and situations with openness and curiosity. It requires effort to look beyond the surface and resist the urge to categorize, but it's necessary if we want to build meaningful relationships and live authentically.

The burden isn't on those who are misunderstood; it's on each of us to do the work of truly seeing and understanding the people around us. Only then can we avoid the stress and confusion that comes from living life based on "summarized scripts" instead of reality.

Are you frequently misunderstood? it could be your sign that you’ve surrounded yourself with mentally lazy people.

Never Fail The Same Way Twice

 Let me teach you how to fail well.

No, I don't write this so you fail at everything you do, but to increase your confidence as a student of anything.

So, how do I fail well?

1. Fail early. One of the best things you can do as you learn anything is to create a habit of testing your knowledge on a subject matter to see how much you know and, well, how much you don't know. 

It's best to know what you don't know so you can learn it before you are set before an audience to deliver or at an exam, for students in a school setting. Do you understand this? 

So, how do you know what you don't know? Seek and ask questions that can test your knowledge on the subject matter, seek knowledge from people (through their resources) who have experience in that subject matter, and surround yourself with people interested in increasing their knowledge on the same subject. Get into communities, both virtual and physical, where conversations around your interest are being discussed frequently.

Fail early, when the consequences are not dire.

2. Don't fail twice. Never fail anything twice. Whatever you can identify in the past 5 years that you have failed at, ensure you don't ever fail at it or something similar again. You know what? I believe in the power of introspection and asking yourself relevant questions to help you not fail the same way twice and also fail well because, like John C. Maxwell would say, "There is no success without failure and losses." 

Failing twice is bad enough, but failing at failure detection is even worse. This makes it imperative to do a deep-dive and audit the process each time you fail. By so doing, you’ll identify where your efforts/strategy dipped and iterate on alternative actions for a next attempt.

I write for everyone that loves to learn and is a student of anything, but I write especially for teachers, parents, educators, and any individual faced with the responsibility of raising children. 

So my last tip would be: teach your students how to fail well. I hope these tips guide you as you do that!

#selfmastery #personaldevelopment #failingforward 

BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE AT WORK

Confidence can be such a difficult thing to build and having it doesn’t come easy for a lot of people, women particularly . We’re taught to play down our best qualities in the name of “humility,” to shrug off compliments and never get too comfortable with our position lest we be perceived as arrogant. Expressing your ideas and disagreeing can lead to you being labeled as “difficult’ or “a lot.” None of these factors make it easy to maintain a high level of confidence, in fact it has the opposite effect. Building and maintaining confidence is an exercise that you need to be working on all the time because external factors and self-doubt are always waiting to derail you.  Meditate, surround yourself with people that lift you up, do what you need to do to boost your confidence on your own time. Her are my 8 tips to boost it at work.

1. Always be looking.
   This is not to imply that you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel settled in, relaxed and happy in any job. Sure you can, but you should always be aware of what’s happening in your industry, among your peers, at other companies and at the levels above you (you want to grow into those levels don’t you?). If you’ve got your finger on the pulse, you’re in touch with your network, recruiters, industry magazines and forums, you’ll be aware that opportunity is out there and you won’t feel trapped or dangerously dependent on your current situation. Go ahead and hear out that recruiter that keeps reaching out to you, have coffee with former bosses and people in your network even if you are happy where you are. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open. Remember that you are a prize, and many companies would be happy to have you. 
   
2. Write down your accomplishments
   You do a lot and you do it so automatically that you don’t realize how much you do and how many people your work touches. Keep a running file of projects you’ve completed, add quantified achievements and results while the information is still fresh. For example, how many cross-functional teams do you consistently partner with or how many interns and trainees have you trained and mentored? Did you bring in new business, hit targets, revamp a process? You get the drift.  This should help keep you impressed with yourself (you should be proud of what you’re doing!) and provide a little boost when you’re feeling down. Conversely, it could show you how little you’re learning or progressing and provide the nudge you need to get you to move on. Also important: it will keep you armed and ready for salary negotiations and interviews when the time comes and you need to sell yourself.  Don’t worry, no one will see this file, it’s just for you.  And don’t feel silly, trust me, everyone has their own secret ways of coping. 
    
3. Always keep your resume updated 
   If someone tells you about an opportunity at a dinner or you come across an interesting posting, you may feel discouraged from going for it if you know that you have an outdated resume that will take several hours to update. If it’s already ready to go, just missing a few minor adjustments, you’ll be more inclined to take the chance! So every few months, take out your accomplishment list and update your resume. if you’ve been bombarded recently with confidence killers, perhaps in the form of a colleague, boss or difficult client, reminding yourself of your past accomplishments (previous jobs, education, awards) also helps you remember who the F you are. You are still that person, you could just be going through a rough moment so don’t forget her.
   
4. Accept all the compliments
   Don’t allow imposter syndrome to make you dismiss your good reviews. Accept the praise! Remember, you’re not engaging in polite dinner conversations full of meaningless flattery, you’re at work! No one would be saying the kind words if they didn’t mean it. Before you shrug off the next compliment lobbed at you, catch yourself, look them dead in the eye and say “thank you, I appreciate that.” Then go home and believe it. You could even add it to your accomplishments file. Just as a business relies on positive reviews to inspire trust in potential customers, sometimes you may need to read your own positive reviews to inspire confidence in yourself. So when you’re feeling low and that mean, evil voice in the back of your head starts to get really loud, counter it by reading your own positive reviews and reminding yourself of how great you are. 
   
5. Help someone junior or who is struggling
   Absolutely nothing can make you feel better and make you realize how much you know than when you have to teach someone else.  Being needed and having someone look up to you and ask you for help is the ultimate confidence boost. Lean in to opportunities to demonstrate expertise and leadership. Show them the sort of patience and kindness that you have always wanted shown to you. It will make you feel better and more importantly, it will help someone else feel better. Added bonus, your peers and leaders will notice.
   
6. Affirmations
   Read books, listen to Ted Talks, meditate, pray. Do whatever you need to do to train your brain to approach things with more confidence and ease and less anxiety and tension. Remember confidence isn’t static, it comes and goes, it may be in abundance some days and lacking in others. Maintaining it is like maintaining your physical fitness, you need to work at it consistently. 
   
7. Ask for help
   Sitting silently with feelings of inadequacy is dangerous and can lead to a downward spiral. Before things get too bad and all your confidence and self-esteem are completely shot, you should seek some help. It does not make you weak to seek help or guidance. Talk to a peer or someone more senior that you trust. You can even schedule some time with your boss. Be specific about where you need help. Some examples: “I’m not comfortable presenting”, “sometimes I’m not sure when or how much to speak up in meetings,” “it’s taking me longer than I would like to master this system/process.” The truth is if you’re having a hard time, they probably already know you’re struggling and will be happy to see that you’re self-aware and want to work on a plan. Or they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about and tell you you’re too hard on yourself and everything is great. If it’s the latter, remember point 4, accept it as a compliment! It is possible you’re being impatient and judging yourself too harshly (that pesky imposter syndrome again).
   
8. Know when to move on
   There is of course always the possibility that you are at the wrong company, working with or for the wrong people. Perhaps they are unsupportive, dismissive, demeaning or overbearing. Unfortunately these are things that occur at some work places. If you have tried everything, including clear and direct communication, and things are still bad it is probably time to move on. Don’t wait until what little is left of your confidence is completely gone, GET OUT now.

You’re doing better than you think you are.

THE HEALTHY WAY TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS

 They say comparison is the thief of joy. And they’re correct… most of the time. However, the reality is that we don’t live in complete isolation. There are people around us, classmates, colleagues, clients, friends, enemies! It’s only natural to occasionally look at them, what they’re doing, how they’re doing it and compare yourself. The key is to not let comparing yourself to others get out of hand, to ensure that you are looking at relevant factors and that you’re comparing yourself to others for reasonable reasons. 

 So when is the right time to compare yourself to others and what should you be looking for? How do you make comparison and healthy competition work for you? 

1.

Don’t Get Lost

Living authentically means aligning your life to your values and your most inner wants, needs and desires. They should always be your driving force and North Star. What and how other people are doing shouldn’t change your goals or your reasons for wanting something. While it’s natural to glance to your left and right to see how or what others are doing, let only your values and deepest desires guide you. 

2.

Interrogate Why You are Comparing Yourself to Others

Are you doing it to discover areas for possible improvement? Are you taking a look at someone else’s life or career journey to see if you can learn from their wins and losses? I would say this is quite healthy if you are able to be unemotional and strategic about your observations. But if you are comparing yourself to others in order to fuel your negative self talk, discourage yourself or confirm yourself as an imposter, stop right now! An example:

Scenario: Your former classmate just landed a handsomely-paying remote gig that gives him time to also begin to build his very brilliant start up for which he’s gotten the backing and funding of some international investors.

Healthy: Looking for inspiration in their story: “I like how he didn’t give up when no one believed in his idea. I’m going to work on not being so discouraged by setbacks.” 

Unhealthy: Hate-scrolling through their social media feed, feeling jealous of what they have. Telling yourself that nothing ever works out for you and diminishing his accomplishments to make yourself feel better. Not only is this unhealthy for you it is unproductive.

3.

Consider who you are comparing yourself to?

Make sure you’re not comparing apples and oranges. In other words it would make no sense for me to compare how I look post-my 1month leave to how Dunsin (a colleague) looks post-her 2 weeks leave because we don’t have the same genetics, body types or resources. While being home for 2 weeks may have caused her to add some weight, her genes, body and schedule are very different from mine.

Also make sure you’re not comparing ripe and unripe fruit. If you’ve just started a new business or only recently pivoted into a new career field, you can’t compare yourself with an entrepreneur who is years into their journey when you’re still in the beginning phase of yours. As stated before, you can look for areas to learn from them but you shouldn’t put yourself up against them or feel bad about how well they’re doing.

4.

Ask Yourself Productive Questions 

Learn how to use your competitive urges productively. Don’t simply bury the emotions. Acknowledge them, look objectively at the facts  and try to channel your observations into productive action.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself for specific scenarios.

Scenario 1: Someone with a similar background and experience level is further along in their career than you are:

1. Are they better or more talented than you are at this particular thing? It’s alright to admit this, some people are.  It doesn’t mean you should give up, that you won’t find your own path or have your own wins. It does mean that you should probably spend time discovering and nurturing your own unique gifts, figuring out how to maximize them and analyzing if the company or field you’re in is the best fit for them. So if you’re great with people but your boss only values analytical people, give that a think. If you are not a strong public speaker but those who’ve been previously successful in your role have great stage presence, get with a coach! And so on.
 

2. Have they made better decisions? For example, did they leave previous employers at strategic times while you stayed in the same company for too long or for too short a stint? This is an actionable nugget that has come out of the comparison which could have a positive impact on your career.

Let your gut, goals and dreams guide you and don’t forget that other people are looking at you with just as much wonder and awe. 

What A New Nail Tech Taught Me About Passion, Creativity & Determination

How my experience with a new nail tech has served as a valuable reminder to remain open-minded, authentic, and committed to personal and professional growth.

It takes an insane level of essentric to do, exceptionally well, something others have done averagely for so long. To so audaciously push the bounds of the accepted norm and reveal increasingly brilliant levels of creative ‘geniuses‘… it requires a level of madness.

That's what my short stint with a new nailtech left me with. This guy has taken the nail tech business to a whole new level, he's developed catalogues, has an academy, has started a clothing line to promote his authentic nail artistry and designs, he ONLY wears his brand, he is also an accomplished artist (I mean the paint on canvass type). He is into public speaking and has given talks and lectures in universities across Nigeria. He is well travelled and has gained commercial experience in nail artistry from other African and non -african countries. The way he put his thoughts together in great literary sequence in those catalogues drew me in.

Yet I met him at a nail studio in Yaba, with no airs about him. He did my nails and treated me like a customer; like a queen. I showed him pictures of 2 acrylic nails sets I loved and trusted him to curate a unique design from them... and I trusted him with the choice of colours and he wowed me….

Half way to finishing up my nails, he pulled out over 3 of his old cataloges and manuals and I saw ART 😍

While I was there, He had a client come all the way from chevron drive (after LEKKI, towards Eleganza) to his small studio in Yaba 

The NailMaestro’s story reminds me of every one of us. 

For some, you’ve let the ‘accepted standard’ put an artificial limit on your ‘geniusness’… 

For some, you’ve dared to dream and act on some occasion but have been silenced by the majority who rather find joy in the camaraderie of band wagon membership

For some, you have experienced your genius but either haven't trusted in it enough or are unwilling to take responsibility for blowing your own trumpet, thinking someone else (a senior colleague, your line manager, your HR) will come along and give you permission to shine your light.

For me, the NailMaestro challenged me to stay grounded in my authenticity and continue to win the internal war against mediocrity and a mild desire to be loved by the majority. He challenged me, just by his expertise, art and commitment to his brand, to stay glued to my personal development and growth goals, to keep on being led by the light I carry within.

The NailMaestro & I exchanged contacts before I went on to get my lashes refilled from someone else just 2 blocs away from his studio.

I got back home and days later, I was seeing ‘evidences’ of everything he shared about him on his WhatsApp status and Instagram page. This reminds me of what we’ve been sounding for years about networking and connection… I encouraged an interesting exchange between the nail tech and I and, in turn, was hooked-up with eye-opening information & details about the nail art industry. Now, either I need to or not, I can contribute to a conversation on the topic anywhere it finds me. It's broadened my perspective to some degree. Now imagine what connections and networking with those within your choice of career field can do for you.

I now consider the NailMaestro and I friends. I paid him by transfer, have his full names... I feel like i’ve known him longer than some who have been connected to me for years. He is Yoruba, his names, instantly yet temporarily, appealed to some deep seated tribal shenanigans in me 😂 couldn't help it. I however quickly reminded myself that the world is too large to let stereotypic considerations like that influence my judgements on anything at all.

For naughty minds like me who are already wondering if he is my ‘spec’ and why exactly I am making a whole blog and LinkedIn post about a nail tech, y’all should focus, that's not the goal of this post.

Somewhere in between my lengthy post, there are nuggets we all should be reminded of. If you find it, your 2-3minutes hasn't been wasted. If you haven't found any nuggets here, try again next time 😂.

I wish you a productive time as we return to work from the year 2024 Easter break.